Reyno Rants: Make spring great again
Credit: NICK REYNO
Sir, it's negative three degrees C, feels like negative 10, why in God's name are you on your moped?
One minute we’ve got lovely weather; everyone’s wearing thin sweaters and sporting their new sneakers. The next minute there’s 100 kilometre per hour winds and a tree just crashed through the neighbour’s roof.
Fast-forward two days and the sun is so bright that it warmed up my car in the parking lot. Two hours later there’s blizzards as far as the eye can see, which incidentally is only three metres because when it rains it pours (or snows in this case). All I can do is shake my head these days muttering, “What the hell?” over and over to myself.
How am I supposed to live my life these days? I check the weather outside three times before leaving the house and by noon I’m in an entirely different season. Clearly I can’t trust looking out my window anymore. I also can’t trust the weather reports either because even the weatherman is looking confused as he reads the prompter. I can’t even trust my thermometer these days because the wind blew it away last week. I already have enough stuff crammed into my backpack without having to worry about packing a coat, snow pants, sunscreen, a sunhat, ice picks, emergency flares and a foghorn.
Come on Canada, get it together. It’s spring; let’s get with the spring program alright? Bring on the showers, a touch of sunshine here and there, maybe the occasional warm breeze if it’s not too much trouble.
I’ve noticed however that a lot of Canadians simply don’t care what the weather is doing outside. They’ve stopped trying to deal with our fickle weather patterns and have proclaimed it to be the start of spring, whether our ecosystem believes it or not. I’ve seen people driving convertibles already; I’ve seen sports cars of all shapes and sizes coming out of the garage. Heck, the other day I saw somebody at the McDonalds drive-thru on a freaking moped. I’m not making this up, I snapped a photo for proof, it was minus three degrees.
Don’t get me wrong, I think it’s great that people are simply trying to will it to be spring already, but it’s a little funny to see that moped get slushed or that sports car hit a freshly formed pothole. If this was the weather in October everybody would be rocking scarves and two sweaters. There would be a pumpkin spice latte on every corner and your mom would be on the phone asking if you remembered to pack your mittens.
Clearly the only logical solution to this entire debacle is to stay inside. If we’re indoors it doesn’t matter if it’s 15 degrees or minus 15, that sweater and those sweatpants are going to be just as cozy. Barricade the doors, close the blinds and stock up on rations. We can outlast this heinous month. If someone is looking for attention or being annoying, the best course of action is to ignore them. So why don’t we just try that out for a bit? Maybe if we ignore March it will go away.
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